The Nickelback Diaries: Day Two

My journey into the abyss that is Nickelback’s catalog continues.

by MATT STOKES | AUGUST 11, 2009

It’s THE NICKELBACK DIARIES! You can also read the INTRODUCTION to this series and PART ONE.

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

-Nickelback

My head already hurts. Really bad.

I think it’s a law that when a band tries to branch out, they have to include a song in which conversations are recorded and played in the background throughout the song (“This Afternoon“).

Also, I’m not sure if you knew this, but Chad Kroeger, lead singer of the band Nickelback, likes his ladies. A lot. And they like him. Want proof? How about this line, from the song “Animals“:

“I guess nobody taught her not to speak with a full mouth
Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch
It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch.”
(you have to read the lyrics yourself to believe them)

No joke, on the booklet of the album this song was taken from, it actually states, in small print, “The representation of Nickelback does not endorse receiving oral sex with operating a vehicle.” Seriously!I)Okay, not seriously.

What’s their worst song?

There really is no easy way to organically write about Nickelback; I figured I would start out by describing the history of the band, but you can just click HERE if you’re really interested in that. I figured I could try to determine whether or not Nickelback is as terrible as they are purported to be, but I decided instead to just admit that they stink and go from there. What to do, then? Asking around, most people seem interested in trying to figure out what is the worst Nickelback song.

So, you know what that means? Poll!

I’ll post a poll at the top of this page with the nominated songs. But first, I’ll briefly describe each song and include a link so that, if it’s your pleasure, you can listen and develop an informed opinion.

 

“How You Remind Me”

From the album Silver Side Up (Released September 11, 2001, this was actually Al-Quaeda’s most damaging and costly attack of all.), “How You Remind Me” remains Nickelback’s most famous and successful song. It gave the band its first taste of crossover success, and you have no doubt heard it some 5,800 times since it first debuted nearly eight years ago. A midtempo rocker with softly strummed verses and distorted power chord choruses (from Nickelback??????), “How You Remind Me” depicts a classically indecisive man:

“Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, no.”

…giving us a fascinating portal into the soul of Chad Kroeger when he was just Chad and not yet a Rockstar. A man torn apart by his demons.

“Someday”

“Someday” was the first single released from the follow-up album to Silver Side Up, The Long Road, and, as this famous internet video indicates, it’s basically the exact same song as “How You Remind Me”. Except worse. And who the hell is this David Fitz?

“Figured You Out”

This is allegedly one of Nickelback’s more “controversial” songs (If controversial means that, at concerts when the song is played, two or three of the shirtless girls with handprints painted on their boobs hop off the shoulders of their boyfriends and go buy a bottled water.). Another riveting portrayal of the duality of Chad Kroeger’s soul, it tells the tale of a man who is at first amused by his girlfriend blowing him and using heroin but eventually grows to be disgusted by it. Many feel the same way about this song.

“Feelin’ Way Too Damn Good”

I don’t remember too much about this song except that it’s the first of many songs Kroeger wrote about how great it is to be a rock star, but at the same time it TEARS HIM UP INSIDE. I particularly remember the line, “We’ve gotta make love just one more time in the shower.” Ugh.

“Photograph”

I had never heard this song by the time my senior class had nominated it to be our class song (We eventually settled on Aerosmith’s “Dream On”… I think. [Oh god.]), but I had heard much about how insanely dumb these lyrics were. I was afraid hearing the actual song would cheapen the appeal of “Kim’s the first girl I kissed/I was so nervous that I nearly missed,” but, to my delight, it only heightened my appreciation for this abomination of a song. Besides “How You Remind Me,” it’s probably the most popular Nickelback song, and it’s definitely got my vote for Worst Nickelback Song. And probably Worst Song period.

“Animals”

Almost as offensive as these lyrics is the dumbest guitar riff of all time. No bones.

“Rockstar”

Defenders of this song point to Kroeger’s “attempted use of sarcasm.” They claim he makes these lyrics sound especially dopey, so that they can’t be taken seriously.

“Cause we all just wanna be rock stars
And live in hilltop houses, drivin’ fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come free
We’ll all stay skinny cause we just won’t eat”

…Which begs the question: If he meant these to sound dumb and sarcastic, why are they JUST LIKE all his other lyrics?

“If Everyone Cared”

Ladies and gentlemen, Chad Kroeger of Nickelback has discovered the formula for immortality! It involves the following:

1) Caring
2) Not crying
3) Loving
4) Not lying
5) Sharing
6) The swallowing of pride

Take from all this what you will.

 

“Gotta Be Somebody”

You won’t believe it, but this is the song where Nickelback embraces U2-like reverbing guitars, drum machine thumps, eight Chads harmonizing with each other, and a more mature message.

 

“If Today Was Your Last Day”

This is a new song? It sounds identical to “Someday,” from 2003, which means it sounds just like “How You Remind Me,” from 2001, which means it sounds just like Creed, from the 1990s, who sounded just like Eddie Vedder’s garbage disposal after a three-day bender. No, I don’t know what that means. All I know is that the music video to this song is hilarious; it’s got the guys in the band sitting on stools playing this song in a “mature” setting with words randomly scrolled across the screen like “WHAT IF?” What if indeed?

 

So there you have it. Ten songs. Please listen to each if you haven’t already, and cast your vote. I’ll keep the poll open till Friday.

You might also enjoy…

MAY 12, 2009

A bartender hands me a stack of Nickelbacks in retaliation for my insulting his favorite band. So I set out to investigate how bad this band really is.

AUGUST 10, 2009

In which I set out to scale Mount Nickelback.

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Footnotes   [ + ]

I. Okay, not seriously.